I find myself standing alone in a horse carousel, wearing a black and white tutu and ballet shoes. My hair is tied up in a bun with a black and white ribbon. My face is covered with black shades and glitter. I can barely see the shatter in my eyes.
I see a massive crowd gathering around the horse carousel, clapping and whistling for the show to start. I can’t see faces, the lights are on me, all I see is dark shadows of people standing. I hear whispers of young girls of how magical I look, like a fairy just sprinkled her magic dust on me.
The horse carousel lights turn on, whispers are now gone. The music plays as the carousel starts to slowly move. I dance along with my tutu, stand on my toes and spin in the air…I twirl with my hands moving in the air, round and round. As I whirl, with the spinning carousel, I notice him in the crowd, the only face I see among the shadows. I take another turn and it is him I’m seeing, a smirk on his lips as he watches me dance. I end my performance with a big jump followed by many spins in the air. I land perfectly on my toes like I can’t be tamed. The music dies out as soon as the carousel stops spinning. They are chanting for my performance, while, inside, I’m screaming, crying out loud! They can’t see the unshed tears nor the shattered pieces of my heart. They can’t hear the gasps and sobs. I bow to the audience as I hear their wild clapping and loud chants. I gave a black performance narrating a black story; they still clap for the black swan tonight. My eyes quickly go through the audience looking for him when my gaze suddenly meets his, but I quickly get off the carousel and into the forest I run away.
It’s night. It’s dark. There are no more lights but the glitters shine. The road is muddy but I’m running anyway. I look behind and find him chasing me. I am running as fast as I could. I take wild turns; I’m lost but I’m not alone. I am running and running but there is no end. I am running and I could barely catch my breath. I hear him calling my name. I am running and running till I trip and fall, and before I know it he is on top of me. I look deep into his eyes and wonder what he wants. What does he want after he broke all my walls? He hugs me tightly with my hands pinned down. I need him to back off but I can’t push him away. Not that I am not able to, maybe I just don’t want to. He whispers something in my ear and I break into laughter spontaneously. The red dye flows into my skin once again.
“Look at how the black swan was dancing like she can’t be tamed, but when he shows up she stands so helplessly begging for his hand to guide her.”
I feel a sting in my chest. A beetle bit me. I call his name, I only hear psithurism. I look around, I only see tree trunks of different shades. I walk under branches of trees looking for him, I only see my silhouette following. All at once I realise that I was alone in the forest, that he was never here, that he was just a dream. Quickly I don’t feel my chest stinging anymore, but my heart does.
I wrote this in 2012.
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